Sunday, October 29, 2006

Muddy Transitions and the Inverse rule of Loneliness

transitions are a strange place. specially when u just ended something and are wadding the water waiting for a sign that might give you some direction. Things are thrown at you left and right and you just get confused with how to organize them.

and being alone. how is it that we feel less lonely than when we are actually alone than we do with other people. seriously though. maybe just me because i find peace and satisfaction from walking around with my music observing people be people with other people. but often when there is constant action surrounding me and I am inclined to engage with them, i actually feel more alone and unsatisfied than if left alone. Like amanda paradis and her room. Like david snow and his need to get away from people even his girlfriend quite often. Like lauren murphy when she needs to be alone. even me i guess, i never admit it but i do enjoy being left alone for a while. its strangely soothing, we are given an opportunity to let our mind drift naturally without any interruptions. atleast for a while until we find distractions because our thoughts scare us too much. and so we lose ourselves in another universe (books, tv, movies, internet, etc) one that we get into alone and hang out with new characters and do more external observing rather than internally participating.

i guess its our own form of sleep. in sleep we need to organize our thoughts, clear our minds of all that was sensed during the day. sometimes we have dreams in sleep of things that never have, never could but voyages into imagination. Maybe thats like going into hiding, to recollect our thoughts, re-organize all the confusion that is social interaction and remember who we are and what we think in a space without influence. (we are so influenced by those around us its hard to remember where we end and they begin). Then we jump into realm of imagination and creativity so we can learn about more things on our own (books, tv, movies, internet etc).

and then we suffer this confusing how do we talk to people again mentality when we wake up or re-enter socialization.

its all a bit wack.

anyway i was talking about transitions. i guess transitions are confusing in both places (on and off socialization). They create eratic acts of desperation and deep ruts that are hard to climb out of because they are vicious-circular. (in a dark well because there is nothing to act upon, yet nothing has come to inspire to act upon because you are sitting in a dark well)

i guess here we await for nature to send us something. Or we figure out a way to climb or dig out of the well by investing in independent activities that give us some kind of fulfillment outside of emptiness. i dont quite know. some how something works for me or i find something that keeps me faintly optimistic about life and the situation i am in. maybe those are just distractions or delusions.

maybe upon reflection things can be discouraging and horrendous, but im sure under the surface things are working in secret. im a big believer in every thought and activity doesnt go to waste and just adds to a pile of processable material. that even the moments of loss and defeat can add value (input) to your next move. i dont know. i feel this limbo_tic state is as confusing to analyze as it is to be in. If anyone has any thoughts please throw them down for they could maybe help fish someone out.


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